AudraFay's Blog

"Parents" magazine

Kids don't come with instructions. But if you follow the advice of this been-there, done-that dad, you'll always know just what to do.



DON'T let your kids pick up your bad habits.



Do you swear? Do you polish off Pringles by the can or drink three beers every night? That's fine. We all have our vices. But try your best to hide these habits from your kids.

They look up to you and identify with you, and if they hear you use profanity or see you binqeing on junk food or drinking like it's New Year's Eve, they'll think it's okay.

So set a good example-at least when they're watching.



DO give lots of horsy, piggyback, and shoulder rides.


What do you want, a pie chart? It's simple: Kids love 'em, and you do them better than anyone else. Enough said.



DON'T follow the five-second rule.

You may have heard that it's okay to give your child a piece of food that falls on the floor as long as you pick it up by the count of five. Sorry to break it to you, but this isn't a rule. It's a myth-and a disgusting one at that. Your floor is one big petri dish. It's coated with bacteria and germs and viruses and everything else the cat or your shoes dragged in. (Did you know that toilet seats are cleaner than floors?) Your child's dropped chicken fingers will come into contact with these contaminants instantly. So here's a better rule to follow: If it falls on the floor, it ain't food no more.



DO kiss your wife goodbye in the morning and hello when you get home.

It behooves you to find an extra .03 seconds in your busy schedule to perform this gesture twice a day. A quick smooch on the lips doesn't just reinforce the matrimonial bond. When your kids see Mommy and Daddy share this brief but tender moment, they learn how a husband should treat his wife. To you, it's a small gesture. To them, it's a major security boost. Bottom line: Get on the bussand never step off.



DON'T sticka "Baby on Board" sign on your rear windshield.



Putting one of these in your car doesn't say you're a wonderful, caring father. It tells the world you're a nerd. And if your wife made you do it, that's even worse.

Just because you have a child in your car doesn't mean I'm going to drive more safely around you. In fact, guess what? I probably have kids in my car too, and I'll be driving cautiously because that's what I'm supposed to do.



DO get a lock on your bedroom door. Knock, knock.

No, this isn't a joke. Just a simple reminder of the sound you will never, ever hear before your kid bursts into your bedroom looking for you.

Hence, a door lock.



I've heard too many stories from dads who were in the middle of a passionate interlude with their wife when-hello-a small child comes in asking for some water or needing to be comforted because she's had a nightmare.


Hence, a door lock.


Kissing your wife goodbye and hello isn't just good for your marriage. It's a major security boost for your kids.



Now, you don't have to worry so much about toddlers. You can make up some story and they'll believe you. But a 5- or 6-year-old who walks in on the act might end up needing years of therapy to erase that tmage. And guess who'll be stuck paying the bill?



Hence, a door lock.



DON'T give your kids weird names.

Celebrities can get away with oddball kids' names like Apple and Shiloh, but that doesn't mean you should do it too. A name is like your own personal "brand." A boy named Jack will be perceived differently than one named Myron. And I don't care how pretty a girl is. If her name is Bertha, she's going to have problems.



Look, kids will always find ways to tease each other. But why give them fodder to pick on your child? Stick with the classics-Jim, Joe, Mary, Kathy. Because fads fade fast, but names last a lifetime.



DO learn how to belch the alphabet.

Your kids will think it's hilarious. But for goodness' sake, don't do it in front of your wife (she won't think it's hilarious).



DON'T get a minivan.



You may be a dad, but you're still a guy. Minivan = mini man.



DO have a family night every week.

Pick a night, any night. Now round up the kids and your wife and-voila-you've got yourself a family night.

Sort of.

Sitting in the same room reading the newspaper while the kids watch cartoons doesn't rate as quality time. You need to decide on an activity in advance, whether it's a board game, freeze tag in the backyard, or a kids' movie. Hold it every week, without fail. And throw yourself into it 110 percent. That's all it takes to turn a simple evening at home with your kids into a family tradition they'll remember forever.



DON'T try to be the perfect dad.

Fatherhood will blindside you with a variety of unexpected challenges and emotions and responsibilities. And you'll do your best to handle them all flawlessly. As they say at Mission Control, "Failure is not an option."

But let me tell you a little secret: Along the way, you will fail. At some point, you'll make the wrong call, and your son or daughter will have to deal with the consequences. And you'll be devastated.

Here's some consolation: The truth is, a "perfect" childhood can actually be a detriment, because it doesn't adequately prepare a kid for life. When overly sheltered kids leave the nest, they may not be able to deal. So by screwing things up-just a little, every now and then-you're actually doing your kids a favor.

DO say these two things to your kids every day.



1. I'm proud of you.



2. I love you.



It's a short list-with an endless payoff.



From Good Dad/Bad Dad: The Do's and Don'ts From the Trenches, by David George. Copyright © 2007. Reprinted by permission of Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.




102 : May 2008 : Parents