NEWSFLASH - The English Courtesan has 4 proposals! She'd like to get to 5, so perhaps one of you nice readers will oblige? Scroll for the auction details or watch this space for updates...

Even the English Courtesan's most patient readers must be wondering by now how the Tale of The Bunnykin could be relevant to her professed intention to become a courtesan. There are two reasons.

The first is that I was a very good mistress and I believe the skills I learned will be of use to me in my new profession as courtesan. If you are reading this as a prospective client, I hope you will find my cautionary tale oddly reassuring. There are the obvious skills of covering one’s own and one’s companion’s tracks at all times. There will be no risk of my answering a telephone without thinking or of sending a text or an email to the wrong address at the wrong time of day. There is the art of being able to walk past a hotel receptionist with my head held high, or of being able to convince work colleagues in the elevator that we are staying in different rooms. I like my ‘day job’ and I have a lot to lose if my double life were to be discovered. Combined with my training as a mistress, this means that your secrets are as safe with me as they are with you.

Then there are the less obvious things I have learned. Whilst I am with you, it goes without saying that I will be loyal and attentive. Yet I know how to detach myself too and I will always return you to your rightful owner. I will love you enough but never too much. I will always be just a little unattainable. Whilst I will always provide the full ‘girlfriend experience’, I will never make the mistake of thinking I am one. There will be no undignified scenes at airports.

The second area of relevance is that the only downside I could ever see to becoming a courtesan is that no-one wants to marry one. I accept that there are other downsides, the physical risks written of in evangelical detail by the Victorians, the isolation and practical problems of living a secret life, the exhaustion of providing a twenty four hour service to someone who has been starved of meaningful mental and physical intercourse since their last meeting with you. Yet to me these are part of the challenge and part of the service.

The marriage issue on the other hand did concern me, because I have always intended one day to have a family of my own. This then is where The Tale of The Bunnykin comes in. B**** was the only man I ever wanted to marry and have children with. Now that he is gone, I am free of that fear of sacrificing my love to my career. Where once I might have continued to make Orpheus’ mistake over and over again, now I can pursue my chosen path with no regrets.

Perhaps you will think this a feeble attempt to defend my culpability with the justification of hindsight. The Tale of The Bunnykin is not an episode in my life of which I am proud. Yet it has served a purpose.

To finish my tale, a quote from ‘The Poisonwood Bible’ (1998) by Barbara Kingsolver, a novel for anyone who has ever struggled to start again:

‘You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember. Think of the vine that curls from the small square plot that was once my heart. That is the only marker you need. Move on. Walk forward into the light.’a

The, Bunny's, Tale, V

0 comments | Email It | Add to Favorites | Category: Book

The Singapore Kiss

August 18, 2007

The Singapore Kiss

Photo of the Chateau de Chenonceau, once home to the legendary courtesan Diane de Poitiers

The picture shows the Chateau de Chenonceau, which was Diane de Poitiers’ reward for perfecting the art of the Singapore Kiss. It is time for the English Courtesan to reveal the mystery unto her readers…

The debate regarding the Singapore Kiss (also known as the Shanghai Kiss) was started by A Reader Esquire many moons ago and the English Courtesan’s postbag has been receiving a steady stream of suggestions ever since. In answer to your amusing suggestions, I’m afraid the answer is a polite yet firm English ‘no’. Is the Singapore Kiss an amuse-bouche involving oysters? No. Is the Singapore Kiss a big tonguey kiss? No. Is the Singapore Kiss an IT company? No.

Is the Singapore Kiss a photography exhibition? No. The latter answer does win three points however on the grounds that Epson and Cathay Pacific, presumably unwittingly, recently sponsored a photography exhibition called the Singapore Kiss. They claim it’s after Doisneau’s iconic Parisian kiss but the English Courtesan thinks that someone in PR may be smirking as they read this (do write in if it was you).

Now you know what it isn’t, ??????? will give you a few further clues... The Singapore Kiss was rumoured to have been the real reason why King Edward VIII gave up the throne of England to marry Wallis Simpson in 1936. According to contemporary chroniclers, the Singapore Kiss may have been one of the reasons why King Henry II of France took Diane de Poitiers as his mistress. He was 12 at the time yet Diane de Poitiers, a woman 20 years older than Henry, retained her influence over him until his death. Part of her prize was the delightful Chateau de Chenonceau which he gave to her in 1547, although Henry’s wife Catherine de Medici swiped it back after his death…

Are we getting warmer yet? Would it help if Olivia were to tell you that the Singapore Kiss originated in the brothels of Shanghai and is also sometimes referred to as the Shanghai Squeeze or the Shanghai Grip? Or that it was the source of Wallis Simpson’s rumoured ability to make a ‘matchstick feel like a Cuban cigar’? Are we smiling and clenching yet, ladies?

There you have it – the English Courtesan can reveal that it’s all about the pubococcygeus or PC muscles and the Kegels! It was Dr. Arnold Kegel who popularised the practice of toning one’s PC muscles in the 1950s, but it is rooted in far earlier civilisations. The Taoists of ancient China developed a number of different sexual practices to strengthen and tone these muscles, the most notable of which is the Deer Exercise (which can be practised by both men and women). They saw these muscles as a source of health, longevity, sexual pleasure, and spiritual development.

The delightful word ‘pompoir’, which is thought to have originated in South India, refers to the technique of embracing the penis in a prolonged ejection by means of the vaginal muscles alone. A 16th century Indian text describes the Kabbazah (an Arabic word meaning ‘to clasp’ and a technique also referred to as the ‘snapping pussy’ and ‘snapping turtle’ in different parts of the world) as an important part of pre-wife training: ‘She must close and constrict the vagina until it holds the penis...to act as the hand of the Gopala girl who milks the cow. If she does this, her husband will value her above all women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful queen in the Three Worlds.’

This milking of the man’s lingam with the woman’s yoni, as described in Tantra, is a technique which was taught to women in India preparing to enter the ‘Sacred Profession’ of prostitution until the 1930s. It is rumoured to be still taught to women in parts of Africa today. ‘Kamadeva!’ said Olivia with a smile and a clench of her Inner Courtesan…

Why does having strong PC muscles matter? There are several medical reasons for the exercises, but in a sexual context there are two answers. The first is pleasure – well-toned PC muscles make for longer and more intense orgasms and the delightful ripple effect when the various muscles twitch and contract as an orgasm spreads up the vagina. ‘Oooooooooh!’ said the English Courtesan rolling her eyeballs Heavenwards.

The second answer is size. To achieve the desirable levels of friction during sex, the intimate parts must be a nice tight fit. That means either a well-endowed gentleman or a lady with finely-honed internal milkmaid skills. The English Courtesan can vouch for the fact that if one’s PC muscles are in order, then size really doesn’t matter. Her evidence was a glorious romp with N***** earlier this week, who I mention here with his permission. Despite his initial concerns over size, he was a perfect illustration of the triumph of function over form and proportions proved no obstacle to pleasure. Good strong PC muscles mean that size really doesn’t matter. ‘Phew!’ said the gentleman looking at his little friend with a sense of relief and newfound delight.
So finally onto the exercises, ladies! You’re probably all Gopala girls already, so the English Courtesan won’t dwell, but there are three main options for exercising this muscle. The first is to practise on the aforementioned gentleman. Once he’s inside you, grip the meaty pleasure stick by clenching your muscles, hold them for a count of five and repeat this ten times. Alternatively you can clench the muscles ten times quickly and do this three times. As Lovely Victoria pointed out, two heads are almost invariably better than one. However if you prefer to practice alone, you can either grip your finger (best not to do that in public) or simply clench (smiling is optional but you may find it comes naturally…ahem...).

Those of you of an intellectual bent might enjoy the English Courtesan’s Book of the Week, which is Catherine Blackledge’s ‘The Story of V – Opening Pandora’s Box’. This fascinating tome is a study of the portrayal of the vagina across the ages and it encompasses prehistoric art, ancient history, linguistics, mythology, evolutionary theory, reproductive biology and medicine. If you’re having a lowbrow moment though, you might prefer the following musical interlude from the neighbours across the Pond. Oh yes, somebody was bound to think of it - it’s the Kegel Song! Happy clenching… ;-)

The, Singapore, Kiss

0 comments | Email It | Add to Favorites | Category: Book

« older posts