Momay's Blog

 Heimlich Maneuver On Choking Owner

by: Tom Attea

A woman named Debbie Parkhurst was snacking on sliced apples when a bite got stuck in her throat. She tried a variety of urgent ways to get it out, such as beating herself on the chest.

Debbie reports that the odd activity must have clued in her unusually clever golden retriever, Toby, because, as she tells it, "The next think I know, Toby’s up on his hind feet, and he’s got his front paws on my shoulders. He pushed me to the ground and, once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest."

The slice of apple popped out and, knowing he had saved her life, Toby began to lick her face.

"I literally have paw-shaped bruises on my chest," Debbie said. "I’m still a little hoarse, but otherwise I’m OK."

She was taken to the hospital, just in case, and, she reports, "The doctor said I probably wouldn’t be here without Toby."

So here’s to Toby – our clever monkey of the month, even if he accomplished his feat just because he likes to jump on his owner.

About The Author

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."

Crocodiles

by: Tom Attea

Some news stories are so funny there’s little to do except present them for any of our readers who haven’t chanced upon them. Here’s one that demonstrates female Islamic dress can get even more frightening than it already is.

It seems that guards at a crossing at the Rafah terminal in southern Gaza noticed that a Moslem woman appeared, despite her veiled face and loose robe, “strangely fat.” They mustered the courage to approach the oddly shaped lass, despite the possibility that she might be outfitted with an unusually robust suicide belt.

Propriety being observed to a fault, lest some inadvertence lead to stoning or another alarming throwback, a female guard was entrusted to examine the woman – and discovered, to her dismay, that her examinee was actually wearing a belt made up of three live crocodiles, each about 20 inches long.

The incident sparked panic at the crossing. "The policewoman screamed and ran out of the room, and then women began screaming and panicking when they heard," a spokeswoman for the European observers who run the crossing explained. When things calmed down, she said, "everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body."

The woman, it turns out, was attempting to smuggle the reptiles out of Egypt to sell them to the small zoo in Gaza or to anybody else who might be interested in owning a pet croc.

As you might guess, in that male-dominated and sadly regressive part of the world, the woman confessed that she "was asked" to transport the crocodiles. The reptilian items would be worth "good money" in Gaza, up to about $500.

At least, the guys who trusted her with job had the foresight to tie the jaws of her cargo of crocs shut.

The errant animals were returned to the Egyptian side, no doubt much to the disappointment of the lady who was smuggling them and the men who outfitted her.

About The Author

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."

Should Stay

by: Tom Attea

In a rare turn of events, in which the victims of political nonsense get to have their day in court, the eight U. S. attorneys who were fired under the watch of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have been asked to decide if he should stay on the job.

When asked how they might vote, one of the attorneys said, “I always like to give the guy who fires me a chance to keep his own position.”

Another one noted the testimony by the Attorney General’s chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, that Gonzales coordinated the evaluations of the 93 attorneys “to see where changes might be appropriate.”

“I think firing me was inappropriate,” the ousted attorney maintained. “And I think it’s only fair for Attorney General Gonzales to enjoy a fate that’s just as inappropriate.”

A third member of the dismissed U. S. attorneys struck a more sympathetic note. “I don’t think Albert Gonzales should allow himself to be a victim of the sort of political witch hunts that have become all too common. I think he should stay on until he himself realizes what a relief it is not to be part of the current administration.”

Given the widespread sentiment of the eight attorneys about their firing, there seems little doubt that they will come down on the side of handing Gonzales the pink slip. With eight to choose from, they certainly have a ready supply.

Yet they must face the fact that Gonzales believes that, as the first attorney general of Mexican descent, he cannot, for ethnic reasons, resign. To bolster his position, he said, “"At the end of the day, I know what I did. And I know that the motivations for the decisions I made were not based on improper reasons. I was simply making it easier for these eight attorneys to take a vacation in Acapulco."

About The Author

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."

World Too Crazy

 by: Tom Attea

If you listen to the news without the healthy defense of perspective, you can easily begin to think that the world is so crazy happiness is no longer possible or, at least, a highly irresponsible proclivity.

As you well know, from the time we wake up until the time we doze off, the news presents the most egregious outrages it can assemble, as if to demand of us, “With all this mayhem and other craziness going on, how can you dare to be happy?”

Since it would be a sorry world if nobody was happy, we began to think about how to manage the pleasant state and concluded you either have to be very stupid or very smart. Everybody in between is bound to be swamped with the world’s collected and concentrated agony.

Here’s why.

If you’re really just plain stupid, you probably don’t listen to the news much anyway. You long ago gave up on trying to keep up with things you hardly understand anyway.

On the other hand, if you’re even reasonably savvy, you discovered the enormous difference that almost always obtains between the news and your personal life. While bombs and lunatics are always starring in the news and most of the other media that attempt to monopolize your mind, you notice that your personal life is actually generally quite peaceful and, when the reverberations of the news dissipate, still alive with occasions for happiness.

Why, you even find that there are still splendid and, in much of the media, little-regarded values like sincerity, kindness, love and, yes, laughter.

Meanwhile, if you’re not too dumb or intelligent enough, you’re right there on the receiving end of all the outrages the news can whip into a frenzy to engage your rapt reactions and elicit your legion of laments. Result: sorrow, with any hope of happiness long abandoned. '

Of course, everyone who reads NewsLaugh is smart enough to keep the news in perspective. Or we wouldn’t have the capacity to laugh at it. Which means, happy or sad, at least we’re primarily responding to the events of our personal lives, instead of

About The Author

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."

 

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