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ssring's Blog
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies, Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress"). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others). Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.
When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something. "What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?" "It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!" "Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?" "I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!" "So what's wrong?" "I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes." "Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired. "No, I slept perfectly well... with my head on the backspace key."
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my gosh! They've found me!" and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. - When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. - Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. - Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. - Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. - Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. - Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. - Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Bill's company made software to run a car.
Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side. Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes. A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?" Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire. In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door. He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams. Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane. A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed. All the window-panes of the car will be closed." Poor Bill died. Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell." Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please." Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.
1) I hated sleep.
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