zizoumay14's Blog

Ever since I began working for that Orlando Florida vacation homes website, I have been plagued by recurring nightmares. I am haunted at night by the spirits of hotel rooms past.

There was a time when I traveled quite a bit on business. Thankfully, I don't hotels hop any more. But at night I float off to a hotel room far away in time...

The day's work done, I checked some emails and phoned home to check up on the kids. It seems there was a shouting match going on at the other end of the line. It sounded like Pandemonium was winning, but Total Bedlam was making some noise, too. I sensed that Chaos could not be far behind.

"Could you please just quiet down a minute?" I said into the phone.

"Shut up, yourself!" I heard the man in the next room growl.

I chose to ignore the peanut gallery. "Come on guys. Can't you just stop fighting for a second?"

"I'll show you what fighting means" I heard through the wall.

"Geeze. I can't even here myself think," I complained into the phone.

"Hey! I've had just about enough of you," the guy on the other side of the wall screamed.

Suddenly I got frightened. I envisaged a burly, eight-foot-two sumo wrestler smashing his fist through the wall. I hung up the phone, wondering how thin the walls were.

 

Oh, oh. Was This The End? Stay Tuned...

Nothing happened. No fist. No smashed wall. No burly, eight-foot-two sumo wrestler.

I decided to head downstairs for a much-needed stress-relief stroll. As I was locking my door, the man from the next room emerged from his room, too.

Fortunately, he was no sumo wrestler.

I was about to ask him why he had heckled me through the thinner-than-toilet-paper wall while I was trying to discipline my pandemonium at home, when he called to me, "Hey you. I was on my email-to-phone service with my wife. Why did you have to heckle me through my emailversation?"

All of a sudden, I knew how thin the walls were. And they did not even come close to toilet paper. Over time, I discovered that hotel room walls come in two thicknesses:

With any luck, you can get "Turn down the volume on your TV!" walls. If you are less fortunate, you get "Turn down the brightness on your TV!" walls.

Fortunately, hotel rooms are immaculately clean. It's true. The sign says so. Just as long as you don't look under the mattress to find a 1976 copy of Businessweek Magazine and theatre tickets to a 1982 showing of The Music Man.

I don't know why hotels pretend to be so spotless. All that junk under the bed could be used as a marketing tool. "Stay at the Hilltop Hilton and join in our under-mattress-scavenger-hunt."

If the hotels don't catch on, sooner or later the motels will. They can turn anything into a sales pitch. Like, for example, "Color TV" (Ooooooohh.). And "Outdoor Pool" (I think the "outdoor" feature is a nice added touch, don't you?) And how about "Free Parking" (which is really a way of saying, "You don't have to park your car in your room.").

Why Does God Care About Hotel Rooms?

What worries me most about hotels is what they keep in the drawers. Did you ever notice there is always a bible in the drawer? Why?

When you buy a car, there is no bible in the glove compartment, although the road is where you need prayers the most.

When you excavate the Cracker Jack prize, it's never a bible.

Even in hospitals, where a prayer might be all you can hope for these days, there is no bible in the drawer.

Only in hotels and on death row do bibles come as standard equipment. (Not even in churches!)

And why just the Bible? I have had plenty of spare time to search for Torahs and Korans in hotel rooms, and I have yet to find one. Do Jews and Muslims not stay in hotels? What do they know that I don't?

Fortunately, I don't have to stay in hotels anymore. I don't have to endure shadow-puppet shows from the guy on the other side of the wall. I don't have to keep from reading over his shoulder. I don't have worry about what he ate for dinner.

And I don't have to listen to his snoring. I can enjoy my own nightmares in peace.

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport on earth?

Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The rest of the world says "soccer". (Actually, they say "football", too...but they mean "soccer".)

I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the greatest sport on earth. Allow me to explain just a few of the reasons.

 

ATTENTION: If bad breath (yours or your partner's) makes you uncomfortable kissing, you need The Bad Breath Report

Kissing is the most versatile sport around. There are so many types of kisses to choose from – at least one for just about any occasion. There is the quick peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew's cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the wildly passionate kiss, the elegant kiss on the hand, the dreaded kiss of death, the "Hey you! Kiss this!", and even the Florida town of Kissimmee (founded, no doubt, by early Italian pioneer kissers).

 

The Art of Kissing Is Easy

Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn't matter where you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires so little equipment, which means you can do it even when not prepared for the occasion, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and marsupial groupies.

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in an oh-so-booooring meeting that seems to last oh-so-foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. Go ahead; try it. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most earth-bound countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you do not use your mouth.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because dieters now have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: "Kissing prevents diabetes")

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure?

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't try kissing them all at the same time, though...especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

 

Extreme Kissing NOT Recommended

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field like that well-dressed gentleman at the Superbowl.

We do NOT recommend "extreme kissing". For instance, don't kiss an on-duty garbage truck; it is considered dangerous. Don't kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don't kiss any electrical outlets, or you'll look like this.

Are you paying attention? This one is important. Don't kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It's OK to kiss sandpaper, just don't use your tongue. Don't kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is self-explanatory. And don't kiss your office manager while on duty...unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.

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