zizoumay14's Blog

We all know that relationships are very challenging. 52% of married people reach their 15th anniversary and only 33% reach their 25th anniversary.

I have been counseling individuals and couples for 40 years and I believe that I have discovered a major cause of relationship problems - if not THE major cause.

Simply put, each person makes the other person responsible for his or her feelings and then tries, in various ways, to have control over getting the other person to behave in the ways she or she wants.

When most people get into a relationship, they tend to believe that this person whom they love will finally make them feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable. Because most people do not know how to make themselves feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable, and because many people came from families that did not provide this, they each believe that it needs to be provided by the other person.

The other person might try very hard to provide this. Imagine that you have a partner who is very kind and caring. But imagine that you are very critical of yourself. While your partner's caring feels good, as long as you are judging yourself, you will feel bad. No matter how much your partner loves you, as long as you are being unloving to yourself, you will not feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable.

However, you might not realize that your feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or fear are coming from your own thoughts. You might think that you are not happy because your partner is just not loving you enough. As a result, you might try various actions to try have control over getting the love you want - such as getting angry, blaming, or giving yourself up. The act of trying to control your partner only adds to your own bad feelings.

Meanwhile, your partner is likely doing the same thing - trying to get you to make him or her feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable. But when you try to control your partner and your partner tries to control you, you both end up feeling worse. One or both of you might go into resistance, withdrawing to protect against being controlled. When one person withdraws to avoid being controlled, the other person might feel even more abandoned, trying even harder to have control over getting the love you want.

As long as you each make the other person responsible for your feelings, you will continue to create a relationship that doesn't work.

The way out of this - the way to break this codependent system - is for one person to start to take responsibility for his or her own feelings. It really just takes one person to break the unloving system that both have established. When you begin to notice the thoughts that create your fear, insecurity, and feelings of unworthiness and unlovability, then you can start to learn to heal the wounded part of you that is critical of you. As you do your own inner work and learn to love yourself, you stop being a victim. You stop blaming your partner. You stop trying to control your partner into making you feel loved.

While there is no guarantee that your partner will also make changes, there is a good possibility that when you learn how to make yourself happy and take the pressure off your partner to do this for you, he or she might be interested in doing this as well.

Whatever the outer problems are in your relationship - sexual issues, money issues, parenting issues, chores, time, and so on - the underlying issue not taking responsibility for your own feelings. When you decide to learn to do this, you may be thrilled with the results!

In all relationships, there will come a time where disputes and disagreements crop up and can result in tense, ugly shouting matches. The situation can last for days or even weeks. If the disagreement is not resolved, it can crop up anytime, even years later. If the disagreement is severe, it may even impact trust in the relationship. The key point is that if the relationship is important enough then one should address the disagreement as soon as possible.

There are many ways to address disagreements depending on the severity of the argument. Some of these ways are self resolution, open discussion and third party mediation. These resolutions methods are wide and are discussion topics by themselves. However, I like to cover one method under open discussion which has proven effective time and time again.

Open discussion is an attempt to have ‘a meeting of minds’. It is a verbal open discussion where each one gets to voice out their feelings and opinions. If one jumps directly into an open discussion without a preparatory set-up, negative feelings can often crop up and turn the discussion into an unproductive one. A better approach would be to write an apology love letter to open up for a discussion later.

There are benefits in writing an apology love letter. One, you have the time to collect your thoughts and weigh the implications. You can rewrite, and reword when you feel it is inappropriate. Two, writing down your feelings will also help you identify clearly the issues. It will also help you calm your own feelings.

Before writing, you must be very clear in your mind that you need to apologize. Apology does not mean admitting you are wrong. Apology can mean that the approach you used to deal with the situation is wrong and has upset the other party. However, if you are wrong, then by all means, admit that you are wrong. So, here is a structure which you can write your apology love letter. I will assume the other party is a male.

Your first paragraph is to write to say that you are sorry that you have created a situation which resulted in an uneasy situation and that it was not your intention. Second, say that the issues you raised up are important to you and need his support to see your view point. Say that you need his trust and guidance.

The second paragraph is to focus on the issue. Discuss only one issue and the most important one. State the issue and then explain how the issue has impacted you – your feelings, the implications, your self-esteem or your relationship. The focus is on how the issue has impacted you, and not the other person. This approach prevents you from using the ‘blame-game’ technique, which you should avoid at all cost.

The final paragraph is to reassure the other person that you value him in the relationship. Say how much he means to you in your own life. His guidance, his presence and his support are very important to you. End the letter by apologizing for the situation and that you need his guidance and understanding. If you like, end the letter by saying “I need you”. This makes a very significant impact.

The main objective of an apology love letter is to calm and soothe the other person’s feelings and then get them into a more conducive open discussion. You should avoid using an apology letter to explain everything. An apology love letter is just the means of getting the affected party together for an open discussion. Try it and be amazed at how well it works.

Romeo once claimed that a name did not mean anything much, and that a rose would smell just as sweet if it was called by any other name. Modern day lovers however would beg to differ. There is quite a lot of importance attached to a name in the first place and a love name (names that lovers put for each other), is only even more crucial to the relationship.

So why is a love name so special? Well, another word for a love name is a nick name. Putting a love name for your special someone, gives you sole authority to call him or her the same. Couples agree that putting special names for each other brings an air of informality and closeness in the relationship, while simultaneously making their emotions for each other stronger. Girls, it is found tend to put names that often have no meaning and are just syllables, but which are cute sounding to the ears. Guys, on the other hand, tend to put shorten the names of their partners and use that as a nick name, or stick to the more conventional 'darling', or 'sweetheart'. Love names are often put elsewhere too. Parents often put a love name for their children, and even friends do that for each other. All in all, a love name gives you a certain freedom with the other person, and calling each others nick names in public only reveals how close you both are.

There are websites to help you out in case you cant think of a suitable love name for your partner or friend. Choose from long lists of names to bring a special touch to your relationships. You might need some short love poems in order to feel more and then get romantic.

Love name is actually can be any name which we give to our beloved ones. Its a thing which comes straight from one's heart for the other person. In most cases, boys keep a loving name for the girl as they are more romantic and attached. Romeo, Juliet, Heer, Ranjha, Soni, Mahiwal are some of the most famous loved names ever and in the present world, we do call people by these names to show that they are in love with each other. Calling a person with another name also depicts your closeness and relationship with that particular person. We generally don't give right to everyone to call us from a particular name but it is mostly given to the most loved person ever.

Don't you want to have a love name for your beloved or lover? Don't waste time and choose a very lovely and a cute name for your partner before it gets late. You can get a lot of ideas on internet in deciding a love name suiting to your partner's nature, behavior and looks. Otherwise one night you can sit alone and just think about your partner and I am sure you will come to get a very beautiful name for your beloved or lover.

The slowly dawning realization that your partner is cheating on you can cause many people to do some very silly things even if it turns out to not be true which can ruin a relationship that was actually fine! Love can be a strange thing and while it may make you feel better to confront and yell at your partner if you think they are having an affair it is best not to jump to conclusions yet. Before you confirm your suspicions look for more sign of cheating. There have been cases where a husband had been acting suspiciously and the wife confronted him one night when she got home, too late she realized that all her friends and family where hiding for a surprise party as she screamed at him. His actions were actually innocent but to her he seemed distant and secretive... how embarresing! So get started by reading these 10 signs of a cheating partner.

1. Mysterious phone calls
Do you sometimes get a call at home only to have it hang up when you answer? Or does your partner sometimes take a call in a suspicious way by talking very quietly or walking into other rooms away from your hearing? With mobile phones more and more common it is harder to detect this but another clue with cell phones is if your partner does not let you near their phone for some reason ... incriminating evidence perhaps.

2. New smells
Does your partner start smelling different? This can include the partner using perfume or aftershave more when they did not before or perhaps they smell of perfume or aftershave when coming home. The smells of cigarettes can also indicate they may be frequenting bars without you which could be suspicious too. Often you can smell these things in their clothes.

3. Guilt
Some people are able to hide their cheating very well and act exactly the same as if they were not. Most people however will not be that poker faced and may exhibit guilty behavior such as looking uncomfortable around you, or suddenly becoming very quiet, or even becoming much louder and more talkative but usually about nothing. If their behavior around you becomes more erratic than usual they may be wrestling with guilt and it is showing in their voice, face and actions.

4. Cleaning up
Another sign of cheating is the partner suddenly starts cleaning up fastidiously. They delete emails and websites very quickly and SMSes too, they wash their own clothes very quickly to get rid of smells and stains; they clean their car interior very regularly and even their wallet. Destroying evidence is a sign of a cheater trying very hard not to get caught.

5. Starts working out
While you may be impressed that your partner out of the blue starts working out and taking more care of themselves this could be their desire to look good for their lover not for you! This is usually is they do this without consulting you or talking about it however as they are not thinking about you only their affair.

6. Odd friendships
Do your mutual friends start acting strangely? They may know what is going on but cannot or will not say.

7. Change in sex
Does your partner suddenly stop having regular sex with you? OR do they suddenly have more and more sex? What about a sudden desire to try new love techniques? These could all point to the possibility of infidelity as their hormones and sexual appetites changes with their emotions and situation.

8. Less time
Does your partner suddenly have less time for you? Do they go away on more business trips than usual? Work more overtime? Go out to do errands in the morning but takes the whole day?

9. Money changes
Do you notice your partner is spending much more than they used to? New clothes and more money being used on things you cannot pin down that might be gifts for their lover? Do your transaction records show they have used their cards at restaurants or hotels? That is a sure fire sign of cheating!

10. Intuition
As much as you don't want to be right you know your partner best. If your gut instinct is telling you there is something wrong it may be that all these little things have formed into a feeling at the back of your mind without you consciously thinking about it. While evidence and clues are most important to judge the facts you cannot ignore your own heart and mind either. Sometimes you also may not really believe it despite the clues and you may be like the woman I mentioned earlier who jumped the gun!

In the end all cheaters let something slip, even if they stop cheating now years later you may find out from something small and innocent even. In any event you must be sure before you take action on this or you could wreck a good relationship or even one that may have issues but are totally solvable! Good luck!