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Daddy's Rules of Dating
· Rule one
If you pull into my driveway and honk you better be delivering a package, because you sure aren't picking anything up.
· Rule two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
· Rule three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take those as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pant ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
· Rule four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
· Rule five
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
· Rule six
I have no doubt you are a very popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
· Rule seven
As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you make yourself useful, like changing the oil in my car?
· Rule eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places there is dancing, holding hands, or places with ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws okay.. hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
· Rule nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted ha-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a loaded gun, a shovel, and five acers behind me.
· Rule ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain site. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my DAUGHTER HOME SAFELY and early. Then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
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