The Scars That Never Heal

The Scars That Never Heal

by Channelle Goodbody

Now most stories start at the beginning, this one must start at the end.

Yesterday was much like any other sunday, i was having a down day from my illness, (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) & Fibromyalgia ), so was taking it easy. Hubby had cooked a lovely sunday roast, which i couldn't really eat much of, this sometimes happens when i have been having a bad time from the illness.

Now the next part of the story i owe to Yuwie. You see i've been a member on here for i think a few weeks, but hadn't really spent much time on here. So yesterday as i couldn't do much but lie on the sofa with my laptop, i thought i'd explore this site. So i uploaded a few pics, changed my layout, and said hello to a new friend. I then thought of how i could get some referrals, so went into my contact list of my e-mail account and sent a few e-mails to old friends that i hadn't spoken to for a while.

In doing this i came across my sisters e-mail addy which i thought i didn't have anymore. This is my half sister, we share the same mother. We had drifted appart for reasons i will go into later. So anyway i thought i'd say hi and invite her to Yuwie as she used to love to chat and make friends online.

I sat and watched a few programs that i'd recorded on tv, then had my last cup of tea before calling it a night. Whilst drinking my tea i checked my e-mails. There was a reply from my sister. This is what it said..

"Hi there,
yes this is still my e mail.
It was great hearing from you, where are you living now, and what;s new.... I am still in the States with Denny... Need your phone number so i can talk to you...
I do have some bad news though... Mum Died on dec 23rd Day after her birthday".

This is how i found out my mother had died, not through a phone call, a letter, or a visit.. At this point i must just fill you in a bit more on the story. I hadn't really seen that much of my mother. I was given up for adoption by her when i was two years old. She had left her husband of i think about 15yrs to be with my supposed to be father. Got pregnant at the age of 40, and i believe didn't want to go through motherhood again at that stage of her life. She had just brought up 6 children, so i feel just didn't want me for that reason.

In 1999, september to be precise, i found her after searching for 16yrs. The day i found her was a very happy tearful day, i was overjoyed, because when i made that call she told me that she had waited for this day for 30yrs, i was 32 at the time.

Within the week she had driven over 300 miles to come and meet me, it wasn't quite the reunion i had expected. I cried but she didn't shed a tear. There were so many questions i needed answering, but she danced around them all. Saying that she couldn't remember certain things i was asking about. Now we are talking about a 71 yr old lady that had driven over 300 miles to meet me, but then when it suited her made out that she was going senile. How convenient.

She stayed for a few days, but when she left i felt cheated in a way, disappointed at not getting to the bottom of the circumstances surrounding my adoption. I had waited all of my life to see her, and to get answers. Which i didn't get.

We kept in touch, but i couldn't help feeling some resentment towards her. That week when she came to visit, she could have told me anything. I would have forgiven her and moved on. Whipeing the slate clean, so to speak. There were things that she told me on her visit that i knew were lies. She brought a photo album with her, and whilst showing me the photos told me that she used to come and visit me until i was about five years old. In the album were some photos of a child about that age, she told me that it was me in the photos, as if to confirm her story. The girl looked nothing like me. I even snook down one morning at about 3am just to look at the photos, i was certain that it wasn't me in the book, i had seen my first school photo of about that age, so i knew. She also brought with her on her visit, a porcelain doll, with strawberry blonde ringlets. She told me that she had brought this doll about 20yrs ago because it reminded her of me, and that she would keep it until the day we met.

Two weeks after her visit i needed a carrier bag for something, now i never threw any away they were kept in a draw. So i pulled this bag out of the draw and noticed a receipt in it, i thought i'd better check that it wasn't one that i needed to keep. It was dated the day my mother came down to stay, and it was for a porcelain doll.. Well you can imagine how i felt.. Another lie. Also the photos in the book had been confirmed by my sister as being her daughter. My mothers grandchild, i guess another senile moment.

As the years had gone by, we kept in contact over the phone, but as she lived so far away and i was quite ill for a majority of the time, it was impossible to get to see her.

Two years ago at christmas i had sent her a xmas card, not recieving one from her as usual i still tried to keep up the contact. On xmas morning i recieved a call from her, these were her words and the last i was to hear from her ever. "Hi there Channelle i thought that i'd better give you a call as you had sent me a card". Excuse me! You thought you had better give me a call. Well i'm sorry but i was fuming and very upset that i cried for an hour, ruining what should have been a lovely day. I don't want someone to call me because you have to, i want you to call me because you care enough to call. After that day i couldn't bring myself to call her. All i ever wanted from her was the truth. I knew that i'd never have the mother that i had longed for all of my life. I wasn't that naive. I just wanted her to aknowledge that she had a daughter. All my life all i ever wanted was a birthday card on my birthday from my mother. Just so i knew that she remembered giving birth to me on that day many years ago. It never happened, another reason why i had distanced myself from her, as i felt that she had caused me enough upset. It didn't mean that i didn't think of her, or long for my mother.

Last year i had tried calling her a couple of times, but either got an engaged tone or no answer. No call, or letter from her. On the 9th of Jan this year, i was 40 and of course like any other birthday i longed for that ever elusive card. She was 40 when she had me so this birthday was more significant.

So back to yesterday, after reading the e-mail i instantly broke down in tears, my husband rushed over to me wondering what the hell had happened. I didn't know how to feel, upset that this was the end of it all. Now i would never have the answers. Upset that no one could call me, at least give me the chance to say goodbye. To be at her funeral. This was the end of a very long road.........